Alain de Botton on the joy of being average (E218)

This episode encourages us to explore a deeper understanding of ourselves, our relationships, and why we should be seeking fulfilment not happiness.

Alain de Botton is an author and philosopher, known for co-founding The School of Life in 2008. The School of Life was created to fill a void in our current education systems with the teaching of emotional intelligence. Alain’s work also focuses on love, parenthood, mental health and the meaning of success. During this episode, Jake, Damian and Alain dive deep into each of these subjects, exploring what a life filled with the constant search for knowledge could look like.

Alain shares what we can learn from our mental health struggles and how they can be revealing a deeper truth. This conversation highlights how important it is to lean into uncomfortable emotions to truly understand ourselves. Alain challenges Jake and Damian’s perceptions of what high performance really looks like, debating whether the fight for success actually leads to a good life, and why we should be embracing averageness.

Within this conversation they discuss why we’re obsessed with fame, how to be a better parent, the benefits of a breakdown and how we can improve our relationships.

Find Alain’s new book ‘A Therapeutic Journey’ here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/a-therapeutic-journey-lessons-from-the-school-of-life-alain-de-botton/7388674?ean=9780241642559

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**Understanding High Performance and Embracing Average:**

* High performance is not about achieving everything, but rather finding your potential and exploiting it.
* The ability to tolerate one's own averageness is a sign of wisdom, and the insistence on always being special can be counterproductive.
* Fame is often driven by a desire for validation and a feeling of invisibility.
* A solid sense of self comes from feeling secure in who you are, even if you're not the center of attention.

**Leaning into Uncomfortable Emotions:**

* Many uncomfortable emotions, such as anxiety and depression, are caused by fighting against our true feelings.
* Allowing ourselves to experience and understand these emotions can lead to personal growth and a sense of peace.
* Being able to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty is a sign of emotional maturity.

**Parenting and the Development of True and False Selves:**

* Children who are allowed to express their true selves develop a stronger sense of self-worth and authenticity.
* Parents who are overly critical or dismissive of their children's emotions may inadvertently create a false self that suppresses the true self.
* The balance between expressing one's true self and adapting to social norms is a lifelong journey.

**The Benefits of a Breakdown:**

* A breakdown can be a sign that you've been ignoring your true self and pushing yourself too hard.
* It can be an opportunity for personal growth and transformation.
* Sometimes, a breakdown is necessary to access deeper truths and achieve a healthier state of mind.

**Conclusion:**

* High performance is not about achieving perfection or being constantly special.
* It's about finding your own version of success and living a life that is fulfilling and authentic to you.
* Embracing your average side and learning to tolerate discomfort are essential for personal growth and happiness.

**Navigating Life's Labyrinth: Embracing Imperfection and Finding Fulfillment**

In this thought-provoking podcast episode, Alain de Botton, an acclaimed philosopher and author, delves into the complexities of human existence, exploring our relentless pursuit of happiness, the significance of embracing imperfection, and the true nature of high performance.

**Key Insights:**

1. **The Illusion of Happiness:**
- We often chase happiness as if it's a tangible goal, but it's more a byproduct of a meaningful life well-lived.
- Fulfillment, on the other hand, stems from understanding and accepting our imperfections, embracing life's challenges, and cultivating meaningful relationships.

2. **The Value of Imperfection:**
- Our flaws and vulnerabilities make us human and relatable.
- Striving for perfection can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and dissatisfaction.
- Accepting our imperfections allows us to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others.

3. **Redefining Success:**
- Success isn't a one-size-fits-all concept.
- It's about finding a path that aligns with our unique talents, values, and aspirations.
- True success involves exploiting our potential to the fullest and making a positive impact on the world.

4. **The Perils of Ambition:**
- Unbridled ambition can lead to a relentless pursuit of external validation and status.
- It can also result in burnout, anxiety, and a sense of emptiness.
- Instead of chasing ambition, we should focus on cultivating purpose and meaning in our lives.

5. **Embracing Averages:**
- Society often glorifies exceptional achievements, creating a sense of inadequacy among those who don't measure up.
- It's important to recognize that being average is not a sign of failure.
- Average people can lead fulfilling lives by focusing on their strengths, nurturing relationships, and contributing to their communities.

6. **The Importance of Self-Awareness:**
- Mental health struggles can provide valuable insights into our inner selves.
- By exploring our emotions, we can uncover deeper truths and gain a better understanding of our motivations and behaviors.
- Embracing our emotional experiences, both positive and negative, leads to personal growth and resilience.

7. **The Art of Parenting:**
- Encouraging children to pursue amazing things can spark their imagination and drive, but it's essential to avoid creating unrealistic expectations.
- Parents should help children develop a sense of self-worth that's not solely based on external achievements.
- Children should be taught that the world is built by humans, not gods, and that they have the power to shape their own lives.

8. **Breaking Free from Societal Pressures:**
- We often try to impress people we don't even know or care about.
- To immunize ourselves against this need for external validation, we must recognize that not everyone will agree with our choices or approve of our actions.
- It's important to focus on impressing ourselves by living authentically and pursuing our own values.

**Conclusion:**

The path to a fulfilling life lies not in the relentless pursuit of happiness or the attainment of perfection. Instead, it involves embracing our imperfections, redefining success on our own terms, and cultivating meaningful relationships. By recognizing the value of imperfection, we can break free from societal pressures, live more authentically, and find true fulfillment.

# Podcast Episode Summary: The Search for Fulfillment

**Alain de Botton, an author and philosopher, was interviewed on the High Performance Podcast. The discussion centered around understanding ourselves, our relationships, and why we should strive for fulfillment instead of happiness.**

- **Happiness vs. Fulfillment:**
- Happiness is fleeting and dependent on external factors, while fulfillment is a more sustainable state of being that comes from within.
- Fulfillment can be found in activities that align with our values and contribute to a meaningful life, even if they don't always bring immediate happiness.

- **The Power of Emotional Literacy:**
- Leaning into and exploring emotions, both positive and negative, can lead to greater self-awareness and personal growth.
- Suppressing or ignoring emotions can lead to problems in relationships and overall well-being.
- Emotional literacy involves developing the ability to identify, understand, and express emotions in a healthy way.

- **The Importance of Patience and Reflection:**
- Personal growth and understanding often take time and patience.
- Taking time to reflect on experiences, both positive and negative, can help us learn and grow from them.
- Patience allows us to avoid impulsive decisions and to make more thoughtful choices.

- **The Role of Mental Breakdowns:**
- Mental breakdowns can be a catalyst for self-discovery and personal growth.
- They can force us to confront hidden truths and to make necessary changes in our lives.
- Mental breakdowns can be an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our needs.

- **The Value of Kindness:**
- Kindness towards oneself and others is essential for a fulfilling life.
- Being kind to ourselves involves accepting our flaws and treating ourselves with compassion.
- Kindness towards others creates positive relationships and fosters a sense of community.

- **The Myth of Perfection:**
- Striving for perfection is an unrealistic and often counterproductive goal.
- Accepting that we are all flawed and imperfect can free us from the pressure to be perfect.
- Embracing our imperfections can lead to greater self-acceptance and fulfillment.

- **The Importance of Choice and Sacrifice:**
- Every choice we make involves sacrifice, as we cannot have everything.
- Regret is a natural part of the human condition and should not be seen as a failure.
- Accepting that choices have consequences can help us make more informed and intentional decisions.

**Overall, the podcast episode emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, emotional literacy, and the pursuit of fulfillment over happiness. It challenges the idea of perfection and encourages individuals to embrace their imperfections and to make choices that align with their values and contribute to a meaningful life.**

**Navigating the Complexities of Life: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Fulfillment**

In this episode, Alain de Botton, a renowned author and philosopher, joins Jake Humphrey and Damian Hughes for a thought-provoking conversation that delves into the depths of human existence, relationships, and the pursuit of fulfillment.

**Embracing Uncomfortable Emotions for Deeper Understanding**

Alain emphasizes the significance of acknowledging and embracing uncomfortable emotions, viewing them as opportunities for self-discovery and growth. He challenges the societal tendency to suppress or ignore these emotions, arguing that they often hold valuable insights into our true selves.

**Redefining Success and High Performance**

The discussion challenges conventional notions of success and high performance, questioning whether the relentless pursuit of these ideals truly leads to a fulfilling life. Alain advocates for embracing averageness, finding joy in the ordinary, and prioritizing personal growth and well-being over external validation.

**The Obsession with Fame and Its Impact on Relationships**

The episode explores the pervasive obsession with fame and its detrimental effects on relationships. Alain argues that the pursuit of fame often leads to a distorted sense of self, making it challenging to form genuine connections with others. He emphasizes the importance of cultivating meaningful relationships built on authenticity and shared experiences.

**Parenting and the Art of Letting Go**

Alain shares his insights on parenting, highlighting the importance of allowing children to make mistakes and learn from their experiences. He encourages parents to embrace the role of guides rather than controllers, fostering a supportive environment that nurtures independence and resilience.

**The Benefits of a Breakdown and the Path to Recovery**

Alain discusses the transformative potential of breakdowns, viewing them as opportunities for profound personal growth. He emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help during difficult times and embracing the journey of recovery as a chance to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and the world around us.

**Conclusion: Fulfillment Through Self-Awareness and Connection**

The episode concludes with a powerful message about the importance of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the pursuit of fulfillment rather than happiness. Alain encourages listeners to embark on a journey of self-discovery, embrace their vulnerabilities, and cultivate meaningful relationships to live a life of purpose and contentment.